An Autism Mom's Heart

As parents of a child with Autism, you often feel alone when it comes to the issues you find yourself dealing with.  However, there is a joy in the surrender of parenthood and doing everything you possibly can to make sure that they have the best life possible.

I came across an interesting post from a mother who posted about her child and autism and thought I would share it with you.  It was a good read.

Our heart is a delicate thing.

Physically, it is deep within our bodies, cradled by the ribs to protect it, cushioned by organs to keep safe. It is the centre of our core.

Not surprising, emotionally, the heart is almost a mirror image.

It is said to be the “heart” of us, the stabilizing item that holds what is most dear to us, memories that will never fade, most dreamed of hopes and fears, and within all of that is what we value most -our children.

Lincoln is my oldest son and so I have not ever known what it is like to love a child that does not have Autism. Even before diagnosis it was there, and so I cannot comment on whether it is different. I am glad for that too.

It isn’t that I am fearful I might have loved a non-autism child “more” or different, it is simply that I am glad to have had no predisposition thoughts on what Motherhood entailed.

I actually count myself lucky for not knowing that this was just all of the ‘Motherhood package”. I believe that the difficult, confusing and uncomfortable issues that showed themselves at 3 or 4 as “autistic traits” where just accepted as childhood and that itself was a blessing because I never questioned them. I did not complain. I did not search for answers or ways to curve the behavior. With acceptance came the best gift I could give my growing son…room to grow and be himself!!

In some ways Lincoln was a much easier baby and toddler. He loved to curl up and nap with me while I carried his younger brother. At 10 months of age I was pregnant again and the 2 hr naps each afternoon really helped! Lincoln would nestle against me, pull my arms tightly around him (the same way each day…if I had not been too exhausted to notice) and fell instantly asleep. 2 hrs later, he woke.

When the new baby came I NEVER had to worry about him touching or hurting him. I did not notice, but at 17 months LInc had no interest in other kids. If the baby cried, he just went about his playing. He never really bother with him, but he did not ignore the baby. IT had it’s place and he had his. He was never jealous…after the 3 and 4th boys came I realized this as Hawkin (#3) tried to move his little brother from my chest as I fed him so he could climb up on my lap!! He never felt slighted. He knew his place, and there was no reason to worry.

The Mom of an autistic child though does deal with just a bit more emotional baggage.

On this Mothers day as I read the sentences my 7 yr old wrote for me: I love my Mom because…. “she lays with me when I am scared, She gives me hugs, she is my best friend” and I know that no matter how HARD it was (and it was) that it was always WORTH IT.

There are and were times when I felt alone. I was alone. People have a hard time with Autism. They don’t mean to, they don’t want to even, but it is unknown, and ugly sometimes. The oddness, the meltdown, the extra work.

Autism hurts a relationship. It makes parents angry at times, they mostly blame themselves but it richocets back to hurt the people closest to you heart. Spouse, other chlidren, parents, friends.

It can be fixed. It can be reflected, it can be over come. Don’t  give up. Perseverance is key.

A Mom of autism always has a delicate heart.

She will never show it, but her heart hurts to make her child happy. Her heart aches for the life she expected her child to have. Her heart wants so desperately to protect her child..but it is just a heart, and can only do so much. That fact, the trueness that love does have some limits, makes her heart sad.

Luckily for her, her heart will glow and mend each time her child exceeds the expectation of ‘society’ the expectations of her family, friends, schools, support workers. Her heart will soar when her child smiles, and frolicks and plays and laughs with other kids or parents, or friends.

The same people who judge in silence.

I love ALL my kids beyond reason, beyond the level I ever thought possible. It is mind-blowing. I do though, have a very special corner of my heart for my Lincoln because I know our bond is just a little ‘more’ then the others and he might just possibly need me just a little more.

I still expect him to some day spread his wings and fly from our nest like the others but I think my tears might just be a tad more bittersweet. Happy Mother’s Day!

Using Positive Reinforcement

I am a huge fan of positive reinforcement.  While,  I am also a huge fan of discipline, I believe that it has to be done in a positive way that reinforces their self worth and teaches them to take responsibility for their own actions.  That is what I strive for with my children.

With Adam, I received a lot of flack from some people because they think that dealing with a child, any child, regardless of having autism or not you need to let them develop their own motivational factors to want to do well and strive to do well.  I agree that should be a goal but with my son, I have found that positive reinforcement works well with him, especially if I want him to focus on doing better with certain behaviors.

 You may hear some people say that using positive reinforcement can be detrimental because it can cause children to depend on it as opposed to learning internal motivation. However, it is all in how you implement positive reinforcement as far as whether or not you are increasing internal motivation. There are several different ways to use positive reinforcement. At the basic level, you can consider the use of natural reinforcement, social reinforcement, token reinforcement, and tangible reinforcement. All of these entail delivering a specific consequence following a desired behavior that increases the likelihood that the behavior will continue or increase in the future.

Natural reinforcement occurs when a natural consequence for a certain behavior increases the likelihood that the behavior will occur again in the future. Examples of natural reinforcement may be when the child points to a ball, the child gets the ball; when a child names the animal on a puzzle piece, the child gets to put the puzzle piece in; when the child says hello to a peer, the peer smiles and says hello. These would all be considered examples of natural reinforcement as long as these consequences resulted in an increase of the desired behavior. Social reinforcement entails consequences for behavior such as smiles, high fives, tickles, praise, etc. It is important to note that many social reinforcers are quite natural. When someone does something that you like you would naturally smile and make a positive comment. Token reinforcement can include the child receiving points, tickets, stickers, stars, pennies, etc. that can later be exchanged for a tangible item or a preferred activity. Tangible reinforcement includes giving the child a desired food, drink, toy, or activity after engaging in the desired behavior.

To increase internal motivation, these four types of reinforcement should be used on a continuum where natural and social reinforcement are to be used before token or tangible reinforcement. Token and tangible reinforcement should be reserved when children do not respond to natural and social reinforcement. When you do need to resort to the use of token and tangible reinforcement, try to switch to using natural and social reinforcement as quickly as possible. This is because we do not want to encourage escape motivated behavior. Meaning, we don’t want to encourage children to do something just to get something else or to get away from the task or interaction itself. Of course, if we must use token or tangible reinforcement because it is the only way to get the child to respond, we must start there temporarily.

A program that I use with my children that works well is a point system.  For every action that they do they receive either a point or get points taken away.  When those points are accumulated at the end of the week those points entitle them to certain activities or benefits.  For me it is a good way of teaching them the power of earning their rewards for good behavior and the consequences of losing them when they do not follow through with unacceptable behavior or chores.  It teaches them to own their work and to work well.  And so far it works well with us.  I have a set of chores that they do daily and then weekly chores and they alternate.  They also get points for completing Activities for Daily Living for example if they make up their own bed without me asking them to do so, of it they take their plates to the sink without being told to do so, brush their teeth in the morning, comb their hair etc.....this reinforces taking responsibility for self and it has worked wonders!

Each child is going to be different.  What works for one may or may not work for another and no matter what program or direction of discipline you decide to take you know what is best for your own child and I hope that the information that I provide may be of some use to you.